JoUrNaLpAgE

March 17th. Graesen, my beautiful nephew was born last friday march 7th at 10:45 am. He is sooooo beautiful! I was awoken at 1:30 am fri morning and was off to the hospital. we spent the whole night in the waiting room for Graesen, but he was obviously on his own schedule and came when he was ready. Also this is first day back to school after March Break. Its great. I am soooo exhausted, I worked many hours this week. 44.25 hours or something i think, but at least i'll have a big paycheck coming next friday. Sweet! On tuesday I had a day off and Josh* had the same day off so we went downtown and i let Gilly, my piercer stick some needles thru my nipples. Yay me! I was expecting alot of pain but there was barley any. The needle was in and i was just like "oh my God I can't believe this doesn't hurt!" it was very cool. Anyways thats all my news for today. Happy St. Pats day!

My debeate of the day (and the last year technically...) is Do I Know How To Love Someone? I doubt that I do. If you ask my ex, he'll most definatley say that I don't know how to love or how to treat someone that I love. I've thought in the past that I loved boys, but maybe i didn't, and still don't, but if I accept that as a fact, what is the reason? If i look at my past, I don't think I have seen the greatest examples of Love, tho I was always loved by my family, romantic love wasn't properly displayed to me or something... I don't know! I think I love, but maybe I don't know how, and maybe I never will know how.

Thats a scary thought to me... It makes me want to cry. Its not fair. I believe boys have loved me in the past and still do, but what is that for them when I don't kow how to Properly return those feelings like I should...? Anyways, thats all the thoughts i have or care to share for now. Bye...

A month till my bday so thats kindof exciting. Yay. Wether I've decided to move out on my bday is yet to be determined. Some days I want to coz I can't stand living with either of my parents, but other days, I look at my ex, who has recently moved out of his house and isn't doing so well, from what I can see. and then i don't want to. Then I think, "Hey, maybe I CAN do it for another year..." I don't know. Anyways, I am no longer Un-employed. I picked up a shift at DQ the other night... and now am going to work weekends and March Break. Yay me!

So I was AT work last night, Just not working, Psycho analyzing me with my Manager. It was interesting. We've been doing this for 8 months, and still haven't drawn any firm conclusions. All we know is that I'm really Fucked up... Next were going to Psycho analyze Steven. That will be fun. We have some interesting opposing views as well, so that will be good. Maybe I'll post the results of our analysis here, if there are any results... Maybe we'll have something in * months...

At Josh' place on a Saturday afternoon. I have to work tonight at my former place of employment. I was asked to work a shift tonight tho I haven't worked there since December which is about 3 months... I'm scared I'm not going to remember how to ring anything in anymore. Oh well, Josh is supervising and can help me. Thank God Angela isn't supervising. I wonder

if she has seen my formal apology to her yet...? Not like it matters. Anyways, so my sister Amanda flew in yesterday afternoon from BC to be here for the birth of our nephew. Everyone is here now, so he is very free to be born. We're all waiting very patiently. He has another new name but it seems this one is sticking... Anyways, Alana Banana *sits and waits patiently for Gracen to be born* Toodle-de-doo!

Still no Baby! I'm waiting patiently... GIVE ME BABY! Actually, my mom bought this little teddy thing, and its called a prayer friend and when you push its tummy, in a sweet little boys voice, it says the "Now I lay me down to sleep" prayer. it is soooo sweet, and it just makes me want him to come even sooner!

So I have a formal apology to make. On my friends page, I wish death upon a certain supervisor from my former workplace... I never would wish death on someone usually, but, this supervisor, one night actually told me to EAT SHIT. Anyways, to wish death on someone is kindof harsh, so Angela, I am Officially sorry for having been so mean. please accept my humble apology... and if you detect any sarcasam here it was not intended whatsoever.

New news... Baby comes soon. hes ready! If I had a scanner I'd scan the ultra sound photo I have of my darling nephews foot... but I don't have :o( he's not Caleb anymore, my bro-in-law doesn't like that name... so no more. they better decide soon! He's due anytime. I wanted him to come tomorrow so he could be a Valentimes baby, but then my sis pointed out that later in life, he will have to take his girlfriend out on his own birthday. ok, he can come Saturday or sunday... mondays pushing it, I want him now! I saw my friends baby last week for the first time, he's two months old and sooooo adorable! They called him Sebastian. Anyways, so tomorrow is Valentimes Day. A day for Love and all that good stuff, but my Lover is sick, coz i was sick the other night, but being a typical guy... he didn't care. He was like "I won't get sick" and where is he now? Home, too sick to go to work. I was right, but its Bittersweet, cos my baby is sick and might still be tomorrow... :o( Anyways. I guess thats all my news for today... Bye for now.

Latley I've been feeling a little insecure (except for today cuz today I look really hot!), especially in my relationship with Josh*, so the other night, we were on the phone and I was doubting how much he cared about me, and he said the sweetest thing to me! He told me that he calls my cell phone just to hear my voice on the voicemail. That he calls his voicemail just to hear my voice cuz its still on there. Isn't that the sweetest thing?! anyways thats my story for the day, except that I look really hot!

Alot of shit has been going on, therefore why i haven't written, I guess, and alot of the stuff that has been happening is kinda bad to publish on this site considering my sister looks at it every once in a while. Now January 7th and yah, I'm at my boyfriend Josh's* house. Hes at work but I'm here alone.

I guess whats on my mind today is I have alot of fears latley, that i'm kindof a failure. In everything... school is sucking and if I dont talk to my dad about this soon, I'm gonna have to switch schools at the end of the month, and I really don't want to do that.

Anyways, I also have fears of failing in life. I feel destined to be a nobody... its probably unfounded for the most part, but anyways its how I feel. As long as I have ambition, and motivation to do something good for myself, I can do it. Also, now that I'm in a relativley new relationship, (almost 3 months)I have alot of fears that I'm screwing this one up too and worse, I'm making the same mistakes over again that I made in my last relationship, (and we all know how that worked out), or this is my fear at least. Josh and I have a little bit of a problem communicating, tho I told him that if we can't talk then we can't be together, and we won't be.

I find in relationships, I try not to care about people or get too close for fear of getting hurt, but I always end up caring, and I can't stop it. Latley since this has been going on with Josh, I've been thinking, maybe just not be with him, and even last night we were talking and I was upset, I was thinking of not calling him untill later in the week, but I called him this morning almost crying because I had been up for 2 hours after we got off the phone crying cuz I was hurting so much at the thought of not talking to him and couldn't sleep. I care about him alot, even if I don't want to, and I think (hope) he feels the same way!

4 DAYS! yay! and I just told him today that as soon as he actually buys the place he's soon going to be moving into, I will move in with him. I'll be 17, why the fuck not?! If i can get away from my mother, I will! Believe me! And if Josh* and I are still together in the end of april, that will be awesome! Yah, So Josh* is my boy for real now :o) yay! Actually, if youre counting, its almost 2 months. Thats pretty cool for me... Anyways, thats the latest news from AlanaLand today. Peace Out for now.

Haven't written in awhile, sorry fans... there's a big huge story going on with my ex, but anyone who actually reads this, i'm sure wouldn't care, or already knows... and i don't doubt that Michael will still at least randomly check out my site... so i won't make it harder than it already is for him...

My email adress is not working for some and still is for others... I don't know whats going on with it, but if you want to email me, or i told you to email me and you could not previously do so, my other email is torie86ca@yahoo.com so, try that one, ok?!

So as you may already know, there is a big THING going on with me and my ex, and Josh*... I can't decide or make up my mind... So last night Josh* came over and I talked his ear off for like 2 hours, about all my general problems, leaving the ones about him last, like that I felt terrible for leading him on, when I wasn't really sure how I felt about him (not that I do now!) anyways, that is for sure my biggest problem concerning Josh* but he's willing to hang around and wait for me to figure everything else out for myself, and work on my problem concerning him last... I don't really know. I just know that he's a really good friend and an awesome listener, so if nothing else, at least he's that for now...

My Fans are demanding new news or new developpements or something... so I am forced to write once again. No new developements in my life. Was sick all weekend. Didn't go to school Friday and called in sick to work on Sunday night. But nobody would take my shift for me... Today is Trudy's Birthday! Yay!

So... As i am getting to know Josh* better (did you ever think how hard it is to refer to, not only your friends, but yourself by a fake name?) I am finding out at least somewhat interesting details. His friend Naomi* got her own place so she can walk around in her underwear... But Naomi* forgot that *OOPS* she doesn't have curtains yet...

Josh sure has interesting friends... thats for sure. I bet that i have some other interesting stories that i could share... I like Josh* more and more, the more time I spend with him. Honestly, he just makes me smile, and thats all i want or need in any kindof relationship right now. God knows i don't need anyone to fall in love with me!

Am I really that easy to love? My maybe, possibly, sometimes ex, still loves me after I told him all of the terrible things I did behind his back, and he still loves me and wants to be with me?! I still care about him, don't get me wrong, but... and you know you gotta love someone who is that devoted to you... Right? I guess thats why this is so hard...

hey to my loyal fans... what a joke... just dropping by to say hi. In the library with my friends in french class. Lets call them Moody* and Trudy* hehe were working on our french "conte" that we have to present tomorrow morning. (I will tell another story about Moody* and Trudy* later on) I'll let you know how that one goes. (yah right!) Anyways, so I went to see Red Dragon last night with Josh* from work. He picked the movie, but I'm the girl, and I'm supposed to pick the flick, aren't I? Oh well, he paid for the tickets at least. I should put that one on my movie and books review page. God it was terrible!

Hello. Just stopping by for a qiuck visit. I've got math class next. BORING! Anyways, it'll give me a chance to catch up on the sleep I missed out on when i didn't get home till 1:30 am last night. I worked with Josh* just as I had hoped... We got off work at 11:15, but somehow I didn't make it home untill 1:30am... Josh* being the gentleman (cough) that he is walked me home and made sure I was safe. We just walked very slowly... Lets just say mom isn't giving out alot of brownie points to my latest boy... but it wasn't his fault, I take full responsibility.

So, in other news, I flunked my french test... not like that is surprising to anyone... I got like 1.3 out of 40 or something. Yes, when I say Flunked, I mean it! Anyways, my hands are sore from typing and I need to conserve my energy... I have to keep going untill 3:30, then I can officially shut down till Tuesday morning.

But that fails to be my real concern today. In reality, the problem immediatley at hand is; my computer seems to be trying to communicate with me. Its talking to me, I swear to God it is! I came and sat down here and my computer said to me "Alana*, Read the note". ok, so I'm not on drugs, it was my ex (as of yesterday)boyfriend trying to get me to read a note that he had written to me.

Anyways, the other issue is, Yesterday, I confessed to my friend that I have feelings for him (tho I'm not actually sure that I do have...) and was very upset when he did not return my (possibly fake) feelings and now feel like crap. And its my own fault...

Josh* is a very Interesting character. though that was not the word my mom used to describe him when he left my house on Tuesday night... In reality, he is about 6 feet tall, pretty solid looking guy, was wearing all black, including a trench coat and has a few "interesting" piercings. (not to mention hair to his shoulders, that I thankfully discovered that is at least a couple inches shorter than mine) I love it all of course, but my darling mother, always so skeptical: "Hmmmm... And I am letting my teenaged daughter go out with you, WHY?..."

He's not like the boys I typically date. Lets just say that and leave it there for today. I gotta run cos the bell is about to ring, and tho I will soon be free from the prison known as high school, I will be trapped again at Dairy Queen (where i work), but maybe I'll get to work with Josh*